Sunday, September 23, 2012

Taking Our Time

Since my sister died I have wanted to blog again. The reason it has taken me this long is two fold. One: everything takes so much energy.  I have a lot of thoughts in my head for this blog but capturing them and sitting in one place to type them out...well, it just feels really monumentally exhausting.  Two: there is this part of me that feels like going back to normal is wrong. Because nothing is normal.  Because there can never be normal like there used to be, there can only be the new normal and so far the new normal sucks. But you know what?  In fairness even as I type this I know it is wrong.  Being without my sister sucks more than anything that has ever sucked in my life.  But- the new normal means I am much closer with my brother in law AND I  talk to Olivia and Madison a lot more than ever before.  Those things don't suck.  Those things are a gift.  I also feel like a better teacher.  I don't get so annoyed when in the middle of my lesson a 6 year old announces she is bleeding, because giving that girl a band-aid is more important to her at that moment than her being able to make a text to self connection.  I also am spending more time listening to my daughter.  You know why?  Because in the last 2 months I realized Kristin was a fantastic listener for her daughters and also that she spent so much time doing cool things with them.  The girls miss baking and doing crafts with her.  I worry if I were gone, Krista would only be able to miss my nagging at her.  I also have the gift of realizing how strong my husband's arms are.  It helps me remember to appreciate the gift of him way more often than I have been.

Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks that I have been in the world without my sister.  That Joe has been in the world without his wife and that Madison and Olivia have been in the world without their mom. And I know Kristin, who was my biggest cheerleader, would want me to blog again if that is what I feel I should do.  And it is.  Because I want the world to know what happened in the last 2 months.  The amazing person my sister proved herself to be even though none of us who love her needed any such proof.

For today, I will leave you with this.  Many of you have heard me talk in the last 2 months about how close Kristin and I were even though we were very different humans.  And so for those of you who witnessed first hand the grace with which Kristin took her diagnosis and her prognosis, know this:  If this happens to me.  I will not be anywhere near as full as grace.  I will be throwing stuff at people, screaming at the top of my lungs, and making nurses run in fear. Doctors?  Nope, they won't want to enter because I already know that for some irrational reason I will blame them.  I will blame everyone and I will be angry.  In fact, I am quite angry now even though it wasn't my diagnosis or prognosis.  I just don't get it.  And I think that is where this blog can end for today.  I just don't get it.  Nobody does.  That is the MOST frustrating part of this whole shitty thing.  We just have to hold each other through the shittiness (apparently that isn't a real word) and remember that things will get better once we get used to what the new  normal is....and we have as long as we need for that to happen.