Two weeks after my sister, Kristin, died I updated with a post that said I wanted to get back to writing. That was the truth and I did get back to writing. My other blog about my health journey is back on track for the most part and my classroom blog for my students' parents is also back on track. I have a secret though. My Morning Coffee is the blog that has my heart. It is the blog I take pride in the most and the one that feeds my soul.
The reason I struggle with a new post is because I was on a path of reliving my mother's illness and death and right in the middle of that journey, my sister started her own path of illness and died and I am left here to wonder...."What is my bigger purpose?" I have no doubt there is one. There is something I need to do or say to someone somewhere, but I just cannot confirm what that something is. When I think of mom's illness I immediately go to Kristin's illness and quite honestly I am still living the jagged pain of my sister's death minute to minute. I am not prepared to write about it because I am hardly prepared to talk about it. It sits on my shoulder like an uninvited guest and I can only let it in when I am fully alone and often in the dark. The reason I was able to start writing about mom is because I had finished that part of the grieving process. The jagged edges had turned softer and there was/is warmth in the memories.
So, I am left with having a hard time continuing to write about my journey with mom when it brings me right to memories of my journey with Kristin that are only a few months old.
And yet... I do know my journey can help other people. I do know being a member of the Lotane 5 (mom, dad, Michael, Kristin, and myself) and having 3 of the original five die makes me a stronger person for others and helps me have a very interesting view of death that also might help others. But, to my loyal readers, I need to ask you to bear with me. I cannot continue on quite the same journey with mom's hospital stay as I was before. I will work to get back there.