Tuesday, April 17, 2012

The Proof

I have been sitting here for over half of an hour with no words coming to my mind.  I read over old posts and thought to myself, "Wait, I thought that was so good when I wrote it."  I am not sure what kind of train my soul is on today, but it is certainly not allowing me to feel like any kind of writer this morning.  Perhaps I need more coffee, maybe it just isn't in me today, or maybe I need to remind myself what it is like to give a little of my soul to my writing everyday.
I would like to share my cousin, Cyndi with you.  Cyndi has an amazing soul and is connected to my mom after death in what I see as a similar way to me.  In fact, when my mom was dying Cyndi had a dream that my mom came to her and said she was closing the shop.  I don't remember all of the details but I DO remember how that dream helped calm my spirit.  Well, recently Cyndi sent me an email (Oops, and I don't have her permission to share it, but I think she will continue to love me anyway.) that she felt she needed to tell me something.  Apparently,  not realizing that I believe in any and all signs from people we love who have died, she thought I might think she was crazy but she felt strongly enough that she was supposed to tell me that she did.  (I am going to ignore that huge run on sentence and I hope my reader can too. Thanks)
So, Cyndi was at home and the smell of Eucalyptus came over her.  She told me she always associated that smell with my mom and that she felt mom wanted her to hug me and say that she (mom) was proud of me.  Now, I will tell you that Cyndi probably knows more than anyone about things that are happening in my life right now...huge changes I am making to make myself a better person.  But really, these changes are coming from deep within and are very personal.  I have talked with my mom about them in my heart at night and all throughout the day.  I have felt her as a listener, but I have not felt her respond in any way and so this message from Cyndi was huge.  I knew the changes were recognized and mom felt good about them.  But- as we often do with signs that make us feel good, after awhile we doubt them.  I have never associated my mom with Eucalyptus and so came to the conclusion after a few days that the message was for Cyndi, not me.  It all centered on that Eucalyptus.  Why would mom give a message through something I didn't associate with her?  I didn't want to hurt Cyndi's feelings, but I thought maybe she had given the message to the wrong person.  Maybe it was for my sister or brother who would say, "Eucalyptus, yes, that was always associated with mom for me."  Needless to say Eucalyptus was quite on the brain after that message from Cyndi.
Cut to Holy Week.  One of my hardest weeks since mom died.  I miss going to mass with her so much and especially on Holy Week.  We always had amazing talks about our faith on that week.  This year we went to my in-laws for Easter.  About five minutes after we walked in the door my father in-law lit a candle and asked me to smell it.  He wanted to know if I liked the smell.  It was very subtle and not looking at the label, I asked, "what is it?"  I am sure the wise reader already knows the answer to that.  It was Eucalyptus.  On the label was a picture of Eucalyptus and I thought, "wait, I recognize Eucalyptus." 
What was the message on Easter day? I think it was this, "Have no doubts, Jennifer.  The message was for you.  Cyndi got it exactly right."  And I can't help hearing one last thing from mom's mouth.  "Here, I'll prove it."

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