Yesterday I sat in church and my mind continually went back to my mom. I was trying to pray for someone special who has been in an awful lot of pain recently and mom kept popping up. I thought about how much going to church with her meant to me. When everybody went their own way and it was just her and I at home we had some rough times, of course. Come on, I was a teenager, but church was always the one place we became partners again.
Mom would sing proudly and that is why I sing so proudly. Mom would stand up straight and tall and hardly move during the mass and that is why I do the same. So much of what I am I owe to my mom, but she doesn't know it. I mean I am sure she knows it on some level, but I just want to sit and talk to her and say two things. Thank you and I am sorry. Thank you for just everything and I am sorry because now that I have a 12 year old I know what a pain in the ass I was. I love my daughter with all my heart, but come on she is 12 and some days that means I am counting the minutes until she moves out and into a dorm room. Let's be real.
So in the middle of reliving my mom's last months in this life, I am struck by the fact that I got so much time with her at the end. I thank God for that time even with all that pain that accompanied it. When my dad died it was sudden and unexpected. I mean we figured he would be dying for about 10 years before he actually did because he was not a healthy guy, but he was living life fully right up to the last as he was trying on sports coats in Sears when he had a massive heart attack. That was shocking to say the least. But if I had to tell you which way was better, I would choose mom's way. Remember it is me choosing not her. She lived the pain. She might say something different. But, you know, we had a chance to relive memories together, to pray together, to sit silently together. In the midst of the storm that was the end, I did get to say how much I loved her. I did thank her. I did tell her I know that she was worried about me but that I would be okay. Because I told her that, I knew I had to live that. Making her the promise that I would be okay meant I had to keep that promise and that has made all the difference.