Wednesday, July 11, 2012

What is Hell?

While someone you love is in the hospital life goes on at it's regular pace, but you feel just enough on the edge to know you are not really a part of that life.  You go through the motions and you appear okay to those around you.  But, the only thought that motivates you throughout the day is getting to the moment you can break free and be with that person. 
So, cut to a day when my cousin Lisa and my aunts came to visit.  I was so happy to have family connected to mom, with me!  My aunts are the most fun people, I daresay in the world.  They are filled with laughter (as was mom) and they have the kindest hearts and the best hugs.  Oh, those hugs.  Lisa has all that, too and I was lifted up that they were with me. 
Now, I don't remember the circumstances of going to Dunkin Donuts.  I know Krista was in the car with me and my aunts and Lisa were in another car.  This particular Dunkin Donuts has the worst parking.  I backed out of my spot and got in line behind the guy who was already in line.  We were heading to the hospital, I was thrilled to have family with me, I was feeling positive but my head wasn't on the parking lot, only getting out of there. I was annoyed that the line was so long to get out and the guy in front of me kept putting his reverse lights on.  We sat there what felt like a very long time and then I realize he was waving his hands like a maniac for me to back up.  He was actually backing into my spot.  You could tell he was livid and as I put my window down to apologize he was muttering all kinds of things.  At this point he was backed in spot (which by the way was ridiculous in this parking lot because I had no way to go around him so I had to back almost on to road to let him into my spot.)  I rolled down my window knowing he was angry and calmly said,  "I am really sorry sir, I had no way to know you were trying to back into my spot."  He got out of his car, did not even glance in my direction, and yelled,  "Go to hell Lady." 
Now, on any normal day I would have been just as shocked as I was that day, but something was so weird.  I wanted to (but didn't) yell, "Hey asshole, guess what...I am there."  I debated with all my heart walking in right behind that guy and giving him a piece of my mind.  Like "all that time you were trying to reverse and getting pissed at me that I couldn't read your stupid mind about making a stupid parking lot move, why didnt you just open your door and yell back to me asking me to move so you could park."
I didn't because I had Krista with me and figured guy could be crazy.  Also I had somewhere way more important to be.  Finally, because the mature part of me realized that if he was telling me to go to hell over a parking space, that dude may have been in a worse hell than mine. You see my mom was dying, but I wasn't giving up on life.  I still took joy in what was around me.  I still could laugh. I still could hug.  Preparing yourself to say goodbye is not going to be easy, but we still get to choose how we let it affect us.  I figured that man's hell was worse because he was choosing hate and anger.  I hope he has moved past that in his journey.  I also hope that once in awhile he thinks about that time  and wishes he could take it back.  It is a good reminder to me when I get upset with people to remember I have no idea what journey they are traveling right now. And as mom would say (I was reminded by my aunt just the other day) we have the potential everyday to be Jesus with skin on to those around us.  Think about that for awhile.  Jesus with skin on.  Our potential for compassion knows no bounds.  Amazing.

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