Originally written by Jen Flemming on Thursday, June 23, 2011 at 7:55am
One of the best examples I can find of being aware of this communication is actually how my dad says hi. It is not often, maybe once a month or even less frequently that out of the blue I am singing whether out loud or in my head "O Holy Night" When I realize its happening I always stop and think, "I love you dad." -and then the song goes out of my head. See how nondescript that is? It is all about paying attention. (Again, I want to clarify that I recognize people will think that I am making something out of nothing and that is okay, but I believe its more and what I believe is key to this ability to pay attention to my thoughts.)
One time quite soon after my mom's death I was heading to the grocery store and I got very emotional (because many of us know after someone's death, the simplest thing can turn into the hardest thing and emotions run their own schedule.) So, my friend Nancy called on my cell and she was supposed to be calling me about schedules and I just couldn't handle it right then so I didn't pick up. In the grocery store I bought fresh green beans, one of mom's favorites. Upon returning to my car I let loose like a waterfall and just could not stop. Sitting there crying the thought was so clear I can still remember word for word, " Listen to your messages. I am going to speak to you through others." Again, do not worry. This is not a voice I hear....it is a thought in my head. So normal that it could be my own thought (which is what many suggest, but only I can understand, and it feels impossible to explain, that I usually know the difference. Sometimes I don't. More about that later.) So- feeling stupid and hoping upon hope that this really means something I play the message that I assumed was about schedules. This is what Nancy said, "Hi, I was just thinking about you and missing you. I love you." That was it...the end...she hung up after that. Chills, right? Maybe a little? But wait please...it gets much more believable in just a moment. I had chills and called Nancy because I had to know. I asked what made her call and this is what came out of her mouth, "your mom". It turns out that Nancy's daughter had been in Nan's bed and threw up on her comforter. When Nancy pulled the comforter off the bed the blanket that my mom had made for her daughter was underneath. When Nancy saw the blanket she felt she had to call me and tell me she missed and loved me. We had to laugh that this came down to a little human's throw up and that laughter made me feel wonderful.
Now let me take you back 15 years to my new apartment and my mom's friend, Peggy. She was one of the most thoughtful, generous, and giving women you could ever hope to meet. When I moved into my new apartment she gave me a bluebird of happiness with a card that read, "may this bird of happiness give you happiness in your new home" Now that little guy has traveled with me to various new homes since then. I love that little guy. Whenever I look at him I think of Peggy and my mom and remember that happiness is so important. He reminds me to slow down and breathe. Oh sometimes he sits in drawers for months and then I open the drawer and am reminded again and pull him out and give him some place of honor. But, he is always there with me someway, somehow.
Now to the present, about a month ago I started thinking about the bird. I can't even explain the thoughts- he would just pop into my head. I would just literally think about him. In the last week these thought became more persistent and I started to get annoyed...why was this little guy on my mind so much, I wasn't even sure where he was. Then I started picturing him sitting on my fireplace mantle at 105 Lake Street. He has never been there so these thoughts felt out of place to me. Once I realize my thoughts are out of place (I feel like I am so close to being able to explain this) then I know I need to PAY ATTENTION. I thought, "dammit, she wants me to leave this bird for the new owners." and this did not make me happy. I started complaining in my head that I did NOT want to do that. I was already leaving the whole house, to leave my special bird behind too was not okay with me. But I am lead to believe by my thoughts this bird will have a very special meaning for the new owners. So much was I lead to believe that that I decided I would go out and buy them their own damn bird of happiness because they weren't getting mine. (As I write this I am reminded that three times while packing I saw a real bluebird outside on the deck and was so struck by the beauty. Coincidence? Sure....maybe.) But, buying one wasn't good enough because there was something for me in this action too and here it is: Stuff is stuff. It can't always come with you and it is not what made the memories. I do not need the bluebird to remember my mom or Peggy or their capacity for love and kindness, but I honor their memory when I show my own capacity for love and kindness. By leaving that bird behind with a note that said, "Welcome home!" I did what my mom would have done had she been living and we sold this house together. I just know it.
Finally, I will admit that I am hoping upon hope that the new owners really do have some special connection to the blue bird and that they find a way to communicate that to me. Because even though I know what I know about this, I am always looking for one more piece of evidence that I am on the right track as far as her communications.
But here is what I know is true, she supports me in selling the house (to be fair she told me that 2 days before she died, that was not some after death thought) and I did not leave her behind at the house. She is with me, she is with all of her family and friends. Finally, blue birds of happiness, as well as any of our "stuff" is just that. It is what we do with our stuff that makes it meaningful!
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