Sorry, I can't be with you, but I'll be there.

Orignally written by Jen Flemming on Friday, June 24, 2011 at 7:35am

So there you have it. I believe my mom and I communicate. You can imagine that before my wedding I was looking forward to some great signs and interesting communications from her.  I was not obsessed with it, (really, you can check with my husband) but just knew it would happen.  I felt loved, peaceful and ridiculously happy (although there was the typical wedding stress, but rum and OJ always helped with that!) so I did not feel a crazy amount of misery over my mom's not being at my wedding.  On the contrary, I had no doubt that she was going to be at my wedding, but I had no idea that the messages I would get were more about how hard this was for her even though she was happy.

Let me be clear that I have this image of a kind of heaven where there is peace, love and happiness all the time. Oh sure, there is also rum and oj and puppy dogs, but happiness is key.  I never really thought about people who have died missing me.  Why would they?  They know the ultimate knowledge.  But, since my mom died, there have been three times that I am sure she has let me know she is feeling sad and missing me.  The third one happened about three weeks before my wedding.

First off, let me say that these communications with my mom are infrequent.  She is not with me all the time, telling me something.  They happen infrequently enough that I sometimes have a hard time remembering that when I have the feeling my thoughts are a bit odd and random I need to pay attention.  So, my belief is that when I am not paying attention or she has something extremely important to say and she doesn't have time for me to figure it all out she sits with me in a dream.  On this particular night the dream was so disturbing that it sits with me to this minute in complete detail.  When we are asleep we cannot tell how long our dreams last, but I can tell you it was the only dream I remember from that night and it seemed like it went on all night.  My mom was crying.  She was crying really quite hard and over and over again she repeated, "I want to come home."  

That was it.  No really, that was it.  I, personally did not get ANY KIND of communication from my mother that I am aware of for the next three weeks and through my wedding.  But- other people did.  My cousin Cyndi was speaking to me and said that my mom had been around her a lot lately.  My brother had called me at some point days before the wedding when the schedule was already set and said he had something to say at the wedding.  It turned out to be a message from my mom in the form of a Hummel that was dated the year I was born and titled congratulations with all symbols of the relationship between us.  But the way Michael found out he was supposed to give me this Hummel is exactly like the communications I have.  This not only made me feel great about her message, but validated that I am not wrong in the way I think about her messages.

Lately, I have been reflecting on the fact that she didn't come to me during my wedding and I am left with two beliefs.  The first is that I believe it was very hard for her to know about my wedding and not be able to come physically. The second is that I believe she did not want to make it about her.  This was my time to enjoy with living, breathing people around me who could hold me and tell me how great I looked.  Sorry, I digress.  She sent the message through Michael that she was there, but the dream was about not being able to be right with me.  I get it!

I believe it was Michael, Patti and cousin Scott who were talking in another area of the hotel when a door from the outside flew open and nobody was there.  Coincidence?  Sure....maybe. But either way, she was there.  That I know without any message.  She would not miss my wedding. I don't need a message about that.  I just know!